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Published in · 5 min read · Aug 19, 2023
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Three years post-divorce, I found myself dating again. And wading through a sea of profiles, swipes, likes, matches, and instant gratification. While the concept of dating has evolved, how we go about it seems to have not caught up.
That is until I came across a movement that seeks to redefine the dating landscape — dating with intention. It’s a conscious approach to forming connections that goes beyond superficiality and seeks meaningful, purposeful relationships. I feel this mindset greatly improved how I dated—and the success of each date—that lead to deeper and more fulfilling connections.
In order to date using online dating apps effectively, I found dating with intention to be the best approach in ensuring dating was fun and enjoyable for all involved. Otherwise, you are just rolling the dice, and you know those are stacked against you!
Dating with intention is about approaching the dating process with clarity, mindfulness, and purpose. It involves a shift away from aimless dating and short-term gratification toward a focus on compatibility, shared values, and long-term potential. It’s about being deliberate in your choices, forging connections that align with your goals and aspirations.
There is a certain energy one brings to dating with intention that comes from being self-aware, forthright and brave. You are going to have some very hard conversations—with yourself and with your date. But, I assure you it is a far better way to date!
I know dating with intention to typically be talked about for those looking for long-term relationships. But, I feel it can—and should—be applied to virtually any relationship (even your friendships!)
Whether you are poly, monogamous, ethically non-monogamous (ENM), or any myriad of relationship style, this will only make your relationships better. You can be dating casually, looking for short-term, friend with benefits
It’s About Having Fun
What’s often left out of the discussion on dating intentionally is that at the core of it is we want to have fun doing this. Dating should be fun! And through the following aspects, we help clear the decks of misalignment, being left to wonder, and other things that can sink the boat.
Self-Awareness
Dating with intention starts with knowing yourself. It’s about understanding your values, goals, and what you’re truly seeking in a relationship.
If you haven’t written down your non-negotiables, I strongly suggest starting there. When dating with intention, they become a touchstone, a source of truth.
Clear Communication
Intentional daters communicate openly and honestly about their intentions from the outset. This ensures that both parties are on the same page and looking for similar things.
Dating should be creating a sense of wonder; not being left to wonder.
Now, I am not saying you list off your non-negotiables or even break out a checklist, and your date should never feel like an interview. This is about you being upfront about things like you being poly or monogamous (or something else), about whether your divorce is final.
Defining Your Priorities
Intentional dating involves identifying what matters most to you in a partner. Is it shared values, common interests, emotional compatibility, or a combination of factors? Again, figure out your non-negotiables!
Mindful Choices
Instead of going on meaningless dates, intentional daters make conscious choices in who they go out with. They invest time and energy in people who align with their intentions, increasing the likelihood of forming meaningful connections.
Now, many I have spoken with said “Geez, if I did that I’d never get a date!” I assure you, when it gets picked up on that you are dating intentionally, you will get more dates. I even put “Dating with intention” in my profile, and it was often mentioned as something they took notice of.
Meaningful Conversations
Intentional daters engage in deep and meaningful conversations. These discussions explore not only surface-level topics but also deeper aspects of life, values, and future aspirations. Another thing I put in my profile that went over very well was “Smalltalk is our personal hell.” (I felt this really scared off the dull and dreary ones.)
Long-Term Vision
Intentional dating considers the long-term potential of a relationship. It’s about envisioning a future together and evaluating compatibility beyond the initial attraction.
In the afterglow of a date, a few things I would ask myself:
- Do we have enough stories beyond a handful of dates?
- Are they a good—or even a great—kisser?
- Would I introduce them to one of my friends?
Emotional Maturity
Intentional daters approach relationships with emotional maturity. They’re willing to navigate challenges and communicate effectively to build a strong foundation. Emotional maturity is a building block to the emotional intimacy of a healthy relationship.
Authentic connections
Dating with intention fosters authentic connections based on shared values and compatibility, leading to more genuine and fulfilling relationships.
Reduced heartache
By being clear about your intentions from the start, you reduce the likelihood of misunderstandings and heartache down the road.
Time efficiency
Intentional dating saves time by focusing on quality over quantity. It helps you avoid investing energy in relationships that lack long-term potential.
Personal growth
Intentional dating is a journey of self-discovery and growth. It encourages you to reflect on your own desires and evolve as a person.
Building trust
Open communication and shared intentions create a foundation of trust and mutual understanding in the early stages of a relationship.
Dating with intention is a deliberate and purposeful approach to forming connections. It’s about aligning your dating experiences with your values, goals, and vision for the future. By engaging in clear communication, meaningful conversations, and mindful selection, intentional daters pave the way for relationships that are built on authenticity, compatibility, and mutual growth. As you embark on the journey of dating with intention, you open the door to meaningful connections that have the potential to enrich your life in profound and transformative ways.
