Our Heavenly Father, we thank you for bringing us here today. We ask that as we learn your word, you will speak to us and impress the truth in our hearts.Help us submit to your word in all things, to the honour and glory of your name. In Jesus name we pray.
There will be 2 main segments in today’s meeting. First is the sermon reviews, then will be the interaction session. Remember that some weeks ago we sent out our link and asked you to send in topics or questions you’d like us to discuss during our sessions. This is one of them. I’d like us to ensure that we’re active all through the session. When someone is sharing, you can show that you’re following by reacting to their message.
The subject of contemplation tonight is RELATIONSHIPS. We received a number of questions about dating and relationships. During the interactions, we’ll post those questions for us to discuss based on what we’ve learned from the sermon reviews. A few things to note.
- The Bible is our ultimate authority as Christians.
- While the Bible may not speak directly on certain issues, it often teaches principles that can be useful to understand or approach such issues. I believe this is one of such.
- We must position our hearts to submit to whatever God’s word says, and not men.
- We as Christians must beware of conforming to the world in how we do things. And finally,
- Let us set our hearts to learn and listen well. God help us. We begin the sermon reviews.
The first review tonight is “Dating and Courtship” by Voddie Baucham. Voddie starts by establishing the fact that “dating” is not a biblical concept. There is no place in the Scripture that supports dating. What the bible speaks of is marriage, not dating.
We have seen throughout the ages that the requirements of marriage has been increasingly demanding. A couple of decades ago, what one would need to be ready for marriage would be a piece of land. Now, due to increasing knowledge and the industrial revolution, one would need more than a piece of land. Thus, as humans there is this 10–15 year gap between the development into adulthood and readiness for marriage.
It is interesting that we haven’t got rid of the tendency for young men and women to enter into the exclusive, almost covenanted relationship. We have just delayed marriage, and instead created quasi-marriage. We have created a relationship which has many of the hallmarks of marriage but is not marriage itself. That’s when you hear people saying they need to ‘test’ and then you’ll realize that some teens would say ‘they’re a couple but they’re not married’. I mean, how does that even sound?
This leads to young boys and girls playing marriages 6, 7, 8 times and when it ends (with “breakfast” i.e. heartbreak), it makes them experience micro-divorces. Experiencing so many quasi-marriages makes their natural inclination be to quit whenever anything goes wrong by the time they actually marry. That’s why we see so many divorces nowadays.
Also, God did not design us to commit ourselves partway. Biblically, we see that if we’re not single, we’re married and if we’re not married, we’re single. This is what we should uphold as Christians committed to Christ and sexual purity. We see people entering into quasi-marriages (dating), where they give themselves to one another exclusively emotionally and spiritually but then fight not to follow through physically (sexually). This is very unhealthy.
The reality is that the physical naturally follows the spiritual and the emotional. This is not to say that it is impossible to not follow the physical. However, the truth is that we as humans are fragile and frail.
“If you want to be caught in the numbers of the divorce saga of our nation, recreational dating and practicing the “breakup” routine will teach you how to be unsuccessful in marriage.” — Josh Buice
It is one thing to be tempted as a natural process of living in the world, it’s another thing to engage in practices that by their design set us up for temptation. Quasi-marriages do just that. In such setup, we see the law of diminishing returns unfold. Initially, each step, like gazing into each other’s eyes, holds a significant level of fulfillment.
However, as the relationship progresses, the novelty diminishes, and more intimate actions may be sought to maintain or elevate satisfaction. We then progress from touching hands to holding hands and this leads to a natural progression towards more physically intimate experiences to sustain the fulfilment.
Looking at the book of Songs of Solomon through the redemptive history approach, we see 6 snapshots in the book. The first is attraction (1:1–8). Attraction is real and providential. There could be a number of godly men and women to marry but because of the desires God has providentially placed in us, we marry the one we ought to. The most significant marriage in the world is that between Christ and the Church, and we know that when Christ gave himself for His bride, He didn’t feel butterflies in His stomach or music in the air as we think we feel whenever we see ‘the one’.
What this means is that attraction is both real and providential, guided by desires and God’s plan. Christ’s sacrificial love for the Church sets the ultimate example, transcending mere romantic feelings. During the 10–15 year gap between the development stage into an adult and getting married, instead of getting ourselves involved in ‘quasi-marriages’, it’s best we build character — one that enhances attraction.
Other snapshots are:
- Intimacy and Courtship (1:9–3:11)
- Marriage, Honeymoon and Sex (4:1–5:1)
- Conflict
- Romance
- Commitment.
This is very important because we see here God’s design for Courtship, Marriage, and Sex.
As I conclude, when we see someone we love, it’s best to let them go and trust God enough to bring them to us when we’re ready or bring to us someone else who is right for us. We shouldn’t allow our greed and selfishness to satisfy ourselves to lead us into what we ought not to do.
Also, for people already in ‘quasi-marriages’, it’s best that you reevaluate and have a rethink on what the relationship is all about and what it ought to be.
This brings me to the end of the review. As always, there’s still a lot to unpack from the sermon itself.
Comment: I think what I’d like to emphasize here is that attraction is real and providential — real, meaning that it’s not just about butterflies., and providential, in that God has a hand in it. God puts certain characteristics in the person that draw you, and vice versa.
Our text is from Ruth 2:14–23:
And at mealtime Bo′az said to her, “Come here, and eat some bread, and dip your morsel in the wine.” So she sat beside the reapers, and he passed to her parched grain; and she ate until she was satisfied, and she had some left over. When she rose to glean, Bo′az instructed his young men, saying, “Let her glean even among the sheaves, and do not reproach her. And also pull out some from the bundles for her, and leave it for her to glean, and do not rebuke her.” So she gleaned in the field until evening; then she beat out what she had gleaned, and it was about an ephah of barley. And she took it up and went into the city; she showed her mother-in-law what she had gleaned, and she also brought out and gave her what food she had left over after being satisfied. And her mother-in-law said to her, “Where did you glean today? And where have you worked? Blessed be the man who took notice of you.” So she told her mother-in-law with whom she had worked, and said, “The man’s name with whom I worked today is Bo′az.” And Na′omi said to her daughter-in-law, “Blessed be he by the Lord, whose kindness has not forsaken the living or the dead!” Na′omi also said to her, “The man is a relative of ours, one of our nearest kin.” And Ruth the Moabitess said, “Besides, he said to me, ‘You shall keep close by my servants, till they have finished all my harvest.’” And Na′omi said to Ruth, her daughter-in-law, “It is well, my daughter, that you go out with his maidens, lest in another field you be molested.” So she kept close to the maidens of Bo′az, gleaning until the end of the barley and wheat harvests; and she lived with her mother-in-law.
All what we will be reviewing will be on these verses. So, as I’ll be referring to them, do well to check them. What we’ll be looking at here is between mainly Ruth and Boaz. Two things here
- God brought Ruth to Boaz attention. It was God that brought Ruth to Boaz attention. He noticed her and was attracted to her and she also was.
- God gave Ruth attributes that attracted Boaz. There were three things that attracted him:
- Ruth was a stranger who showed kindnesses to an Israelite (2:11–12). This is what he found attractive about her. She was a foreigner, but she came to give her life in service.
- Ruth also submitted to Israel’s law and tradition despite the fact that she was not part of them. This also attracted him.
- Ruth worked diligently (2:17&18).
God also gave Boaz attributes attractive to Ruth, particularly His provision protection and kindness. We’ll see that what was dwelt on mainly was not their beauty and all.
This is not to say that physical beauty is meaningless. It is what God uses as well but people change over time, and if what you are drawn to primarily is who they are physically, when they change, it becomes a difficult situation for you.
In this age, we’ll hear about relationships that what they were attracted to only was only beauty and how they looked like and all. But if something happens, let’s say for an example an accident and some brutal injuries were sustained, they go like ‘I don’t feel the same anymore’, because it’s only the physical they were attracted to.
There are two things we should therefore watch out for.
Make sure what you are attracted to is that which is real.
Sometimes, we see some things in people we conclude that yes, this is “the one”, as we always say. We just conclude without waiting to see, test and observe if what we are seeing is real. Be sure if that is who the person truly us, or is just pretending or trying to impress and get your attention. What Ruth saw in Boaz was consistent. He continued to show provision, protection, and kindness to her. That’s in verse 14. And also, What Boaz saw in Ruth too was consistent. She continued to be diligent, showed kindness and obeyed the rules (2:17-18).
We should know that we should not just be in any marriage but that we are in a marriage that is a living, breathing picture of the relationship between Christ and His Church: a marriage that is gospel-centered, God-honoring, and Christ-exalting.
Do you want a glorifying marriage? Then you need to find a God-honouring, Christ exalting potential mate. Look for characteristics that are God-glorifying, Christ-exalting, and gospel-centered.
What you are seeing, is it persistent in the person’s life as you continue to examine? Does the person maintain good character when you are there or when you are not? These are the things you should look out for as you look out for a potential mate.
Make sure to be protected.
Also, seek guidance and help when looking for a mate. Remember you will live with these person as long as you live. So if only what attracts you is beauty, then you need to start having a rethink because it’s more than what you feel or what you are seeing. When this thing fades or changes, eyes will be opened.
We are not saying these things (physical features) are not good, but make sure that you are attracted to is real, and it is gospel-centered, God-honouring, and Christ-exalting. This is how to stay protected and ensure that you don’t cause yourself emotional damage. Make sure that you are looking for us based on the three things I mentioned earlier.
You’ll see that after some years, people will want to breakup and divorce because they saw what was wrong . They saw fake. It’s not easy to be with someone for like 5, 7, 10 years and you later see have to divorce or breakup, it causes a lot of emotional stress to both parties.
And in the man’s opinion, he said there’s no reason to have a boyfriend or girlfriend if you are not ready for marriage. No be me talk am. Don’t come for me.
As I conclude tonight, make sure you are seeking a God-centered relationship. Look beyond the beauty or externals. May God help us to see that which is real and to be attracted to what really matters. Amen.
This sermon covers the essentials of what a man must be before he is to marry a woman. This is for people (guys especially) considering entering into a relationship toward marriage and asking, “what do I need to be ready for marriage?” But before we delve into the important criteria listed in the sermon (The four P’s), let us take note of some significant transformation in the culture that Voddie touched on with respect to how we now view marriage. His analysis was quite profound.
- We have separated sex from childbearing. A man and a woman can now have sex thanks to the rampant use of contraceptives without thinking about the consequences of their actions, thus reducing sex to nothing but mere pleasure.
- We have also separated sex from marriage. We have people who are getting married and having a Child is now becoming an option. Or even worse people just have sexual partners without the commitment of marriage. They say they don’t want labels.
- We have removed parenting from marriage. And the effect of this is that it breeds immature men who won’t grow up to the responsibility of a man.
Before he delves into the requirements, he assumes two things which are now controversial in today’s culture:
- Parental responsibility
- Male headship
If you disagree with this especially the second one, please do listen to the sermon. That’s the whole point of the review though. I am certain you will be blessed and receive clarity on these things. So what must a man be before he can marry? Voddie calls them the four P’s:
- Priest
- Prophet
- Provider
- Protector
Let’s take a look at each of them.
The husband is a Priest
The priest represents his people before God. This does not mean that the Bible belittles women but this sacrificial headship is a picture between Christ and the Church. The gospel is being portrayed. So what must he be to fulfil this role?
He must be born again. A man who is not born again cannot fulfil the post of Priest. So yes, he must be born again and must bear fruit consistent with the faith. By the way, this is already answering the question about what to look out for in someone when you’re entering a relationship.
The husband is Prophet
The Prophet represents God before his people. Again, that does not mean the woman or the children cannot study the word of God for themselves for that would make the Israelites incapable of study of the word because they also had Prophets in their day. But the idea of this representation is the responsibility a man has, he is held accountable.
He needs to able to handle the Word of God. He does not need to be a badass theologian but must be able to show his family what he believes and why he believes it and must have a teachable spirit. Emphasis on teachable spirit. If he is not humble, red flag! If he is not humble and teachable, if he is not able to admit to his wrongs when he’s at fault, red flag!
If on the other hand, you as a man are not humble enough to admit that you’re wrong when you are wrong, please build your character before you become a prayer point for somebody’s daughter.
The husband is Provider
The Provider makes sure the people have everything they need. Physical needs and spiritual needs. All type of needs. If you can’t provide for your needs yet (let alone somebody else’s needs), maybe you should focus more on building yourself. You don’t have to be stinkingly rich first, but you must at least be able to sustain a home if you are looking toward marriage.
The husband is protector
So what do we look for in a man in this regard? He must be a man of personal strength. This does not necessarily mean physical strength but spiritual strength. He must be able to guard his family from the dangerous ideologies that permeate the World. This is so needed in today’s culture with dangerous ideas flying around.
This is indeed a brief review which is unable to fully capture the entire gist of the story but its purpose is to give you an idea of the content of the sermon. I would advise that we go listen to it ourselves for it contains profound insights on what a man must be before he should marry a woman. I pray that God impresses these things on our heart in Jesus name.
Now our penultimate review. Why is it important to prepare Biblically for marriage?
Popular assumption states “marriage is not something you prepare for marriage is something you happen upon”, something to the effect of cupid hitting you with an arrow falling in love, getting married and living happily ever after. As opposed to that assumption, God not cupid hits you with an “arrow” — a conviction if you will — that ‘this’ is the one.
A quick footnote: Marriage unprepared for would lead to frustration, irritation, and ipso facto divorce. Marriage that cupid’s arrow pushed you into eventually just like Victoria said would frustrate you.
It is important to prepare Biblically for marriage because marriage was designed by and for God, therefore he will vindicate marriage from all perversion, misrepresentation and abuse, for the sake of His name and glory.
God intended for marriage to be holy, to give glory to Him. To conclude, Marriage was not man’s idea, man is not the architect of marriage, God is the architect of marriage, therefore man does not have the right, the wherewithal to tinker with (make as of his own) marriage.
Genesis 2:18 “then God said it is not good for a man to be alone I will create a help meet for him”.
Open your eyes, dodge any cupid’s arrow, and chase God.
In this sermon, Voddie listed out some of the minimum Biblical requirements of a man who is called to be a husband.
Firstly, he must be a man who lives in love. Voddie defined Biblical love as an act of the will accompaniment by emotion that leads to action on behalf of the object (Ephesians 5:25).
Secondly, he must be a believer. He must be a man who lives in the word. He must be equipped to mentor and disciple you in the word of God (Ephesians 5:25). He must be equipped to mentor and disciple your children (Ephesians 6:1–4).
Thirdly, he must live in righteousness. He must be a man who goes out of his way to make sure your purity is preserved, a man who desires you to be pure (Ephesians 5:27).
Fourthly, he must be a man who lives in selflessness. He must understand what it means to put others before himself, he should be more interested in what he has to offer than what he can get (Ephesians 5:28–29).
Fifthly, he must be a man who lives in intimacy. Intimacy means to let someone into a part of your life that isn’t readily available to everyone (Ephesians 5:31).
In conclusion, be a man that will live, serve, nurture and cherish and lay down your life for your wife. Focus on being a man of her dream and not on the woman you want to conquer. You can’t do this in your strength. Constantly lay yourself at the feet of Jesus.
Q1: What is the difference between courting and dating?
I think we have dealt with the difference between courting and dating. Dating is not a biblical concept, and the common approach to dating (recreational dating, dating without marriage in view) is certainly not biblical and comes with its consequences, both spiritual, physical and emotional. Courting, on the other hand, is preparation for marriage.
Let me add this here quickly. It’s a quote from Josh Buice.
“For my sons, this will involve charting out a plan and presenting it to the father of the prospective young lady as he seeks a biblical courtship with his daughter. I will also insist that my sons spend a good deal of time with her father in order to get to know him and show respect to him in the process. Regarding my daughters, I’ll require the same things from the young man who wants to pursue one of my daughters for courtship.”
Q2: Is it okay to start dating as a Christian around the age of 20? How do I discern who is the right person for me? I also find myself thinking about intimate contact every now and then. How can I cope with this?
There are a number of things you want to consider when entering a relationship with a view toward marriage.
- All that we have said thus far (ensure the person ticks the necessary boxes).
- Accountability (letting your spiritual overseers — pastors, leaders in church, etc. — know about your intention)
- Purity — if your reason for entering a relationship is similar to why worldly people do so, then please have a rethink.
This is especially true with regard to the “desire for intimate contact”. You’re human. These desires exist. If you put yourself in a situation where it’ll be easy to fall, you’ll have yourself to blame. I’ll advise you to refrain from entering a relationship if it’s more about your desire to indulge in these rather than actually preparing for marriage.
See, I get it. We all experience these things. But we must remember that Christ purchased us for Himself. And we must constantly remember that. It must drive us to live to please Him. You could also open up to our Advisory Board (reach out to me and I’ll link you up) if you want to discuss more about any of these.
Q3: If I see a Christian girl in the University that I am attracted to, is it advisable to go into a relationship with her?
By the way, by now we should know that “he/she is a Christian” is not enough when it comes to whether or not someone is suitable. I understand that we have feelings. I’ll advise that you pray sincerely about these feelings. And ask yourself if you tick all these boxes above that we have described about readiness for marriage.
Sincerely evaluate yourself. Again, remember that courtship requires responsibility and purposefulness. If you are entering a relationship for recreational purposes, you are indulging in carnal desires that do not glorify God. This is a very good resource to guide on the issue.
https://g3min.org/biblical-courtship-christian-dating/
Q4: (i) What mindset should believers have when entering a Godly relationship? (ii) If you don’t have a mentor, do you necessarily need anyone to help you confirm whether you should go into a relationship with someone or not?
- I believe we have addressed this. Christian “dating” = courtship. So a better phraseology to use is courtship, so as to avoid the misconception that comes with the term dating.
- Please I’ll really advise that you have authority figures in your life. Ideally this should be the pastors in your local church, or (as a lady) older women in your local church.
They should be in on it when you are about to enter into a relationship. They are way wiser when it comes to things like these, especially because they are spiritually more mature. Please always ensure this. They will likely ask you questions, and you yourself should be willing to cross-examine yourself. I know you may not like it, but it’s necessary.
Q5: Is it proper to write or jot down what you want in your man?
Yes. It is absolutely proper. Just ensure you’re jotting/writing down the right things.
Q6: Is it safe to say that women should wait till they are age 25 before they consider dating?
No, “it is not safe”. I don’t believe in tagging an age to marriage. As long as you look at all the necessary considerations (which you’ll likely not fulfil if you’re still very young), if you see you’re ready, take the appropriate steps.
Q7: We like each other but I am not sure if he is the one and I am not ready for a relationship and I don’t think he is either. How do I navigate our friendship and keep it platonic even though feelings may have developed. Do I need to stay away? I value our friendship.
“I’m not sure he’s the one”. Solution: apply all the tests we have discussed. If you are not ready, pray about it and seek godly counsel from people you’re accountable to. This is because, we’ll need to consider the peculiarities of your friendship and see how to address things specifically.
Q8: What is your experience in a relationship? Should I get married once I have a lot of money?
No. Get married once you’re ready. Again, check all the boxes we’ve listed above. Money is not the only box. And you’re not to wait until you have plenty of money. You should have sufficient money, but money is not the major thing.
Q9: Is it right for a woman to ask a man out? Does it have any biblical basis?
Hmm. Learn from Ruth. That’s all I’ll say. Ruth didn’t “ask him out”, but she certainly didn’t stay “out of sight” either. Wisdom is profitable to direct.
Father in Jesus’ name, we thank You for tonight’s meeting, be glorified. We pray that you help us to grasp these realities. We also pray that You help us to embrace these great truths. We ask and pray that You continue to teach and direct us. We pray that we won’t choose unwisely. Thank you Lord because You have answered our prayers. In Jesus’ mighty name we have prayed. Amen.
