What does that look like? A heavy dose of soul-searching, and then pushing past roadblocks that threaten your success. "You have to put in the time, effort and energy—even when you feel like throwing in the towel or avoiding it altogether," says Steinberg. "And that means not just getting out there dating, but really understanding what and who you are looking for on a deeper level, and not the superficial stuff."
Translation: You might think "not settling" means holding out for the tall, dark-haired Gosling who runs his own company and is perfect in every way, but what do you really need? That's the question to meditate on. Chance meetings might be romantic in the moment, but a guy with attributes to complement yours is romantic long-term.
3. Put Forth Strategic Effort
Sure, you could theoretically meet your future life partner anywhere. But you've probably been there and done that with the bar and going-out scene, and might not have many opportunities in your current job—where you spend the majority of your waking hours. That means your best bet is to maximize the most highly-datable options in the least amount of time, says Steinberg.
The best way to do this is to approach this part of your life with as much intention and effort as you would, say, your friendships or career. Actively position yourself to meet like-minded guys who are likely looking for legit, long-term relationships.
Steinberg says this might mean: getting online or taking online dating more seriously (really read those profiles!); actually putting yourself out there at events and activities where you're likely to meet people; tapping into your network of friends for set-ups; and so on. "It's about taking action, in more ways than one," she says. "Doing so will help you create what you want to create in your life—instead of just passively waiting for him to find you."
4. Swiftly Identify (and Ditch) the Dead-Ends
You've probably met your fair share of men who would qualify for your own personal What Was I Thinking? file. Maybe you took a risk on that guy with the emotional issues, or that supposedly-reformed player with a laundry list of ex-flames. Don't beat yourself over those mistakes, says Steinberg. "I think you can afford to do that in your twenties," she says. "Those relationships, in fact, can teach you a lot."
Now that you (hopefully) know a red flag when you see it, don't let that knowledge bank of toxic partners go to waste. If you're looking for marriage or biological babies, says Steinberg, your job is to recognize these zero-potential guys early and often. "Don't spend years, or even months, with guys who are clearly commitment-phobic, wish-washy or emotionally unavailable," says Steinberg.
The less time you spend with a dead-end dude, the more room you'll have to pace the relationship with a guy who seems like a potential winner. "You don't want to rush the process with him," says Steinberg. "It takes time to discover your feelings, for him to discover his, to build an emotional bond, and to see he's consistently trustworthy, reliable, kind, emotionally available and sensitive to your needs." If a guy obviously isn't? Don't try to change him. Let him go.
5. Set Better Boundaries
Make a date with yourself for a cup of coffee or glass of wine, grab a notebook, and take stock of your behaviors in your 20s. Think about what didn't work in terms of fostering personal and relationship growth. Think about what did. Get specific about the choices you made and what might need to change.
Specifically, the key is in establishing smart boundaries. "For instance, if you've been really career-focused, spending time with other people might be tough," Carpenter says, noting that many women can't resist the allure of putting work first or solving problems outside the office. "Eventually, you have to decide how reachable you want to be." This could mean anything from stopping all work communication at a certain hour every night to finally calling your city "home," instead of always having one foot out the door.
Steinberg's bottom line for single 30-somethings is that they can do themselves a big service by owning up to what they want in life and committing to it. "You may wake up at thirty-five and think, 'Wait, where did the time go? Why didn't I spend more time focusing on this aspect of my life?"
You can have it all, whether or not it's all at once. Seek out and nurture a new balance, especially as you progress into that third decade of adulthood.
Photo Credit: Tom Merton / Getty Images
